Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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