i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
