Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
