Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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