That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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