so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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