when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize