I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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