Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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