In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
