So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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