Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
