Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
