I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
