I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
