I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
