I think my vagina is haunted
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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