where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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