I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
