We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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