My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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