no, he came in my armpit
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
