it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
kristin has been a bad kristin
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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