Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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