Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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