6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
