Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
