I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
