I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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