Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
