im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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