So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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