My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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