upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
