after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
