Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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