I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
