I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
