my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
