i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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