Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
