When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
