Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize