i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
