why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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