mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
