We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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