at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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