I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
