she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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