he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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