it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
