Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
