Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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