It's like a parade of train wrecks.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
