she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
