am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize