i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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