in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
