you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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