I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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